Dear Meliah: Friends with Benefits

Dear Meliah,

                      You should touch on friends with benefits. I would like to learn how to not get attached or get feelings involved. Or learning to make peace with myself if I'm in a situation where the guy doesn't want me back or I feel he doesn't value me, then me having the strength to walk away. I guess learning how to balance being a friend but also having sex and also kinda having a crush.

                                                                  Anonymous

Hey boo! First off let me say I think you're an amazing person. Now, I'm no expert at the subject matter of friends with benefits but I know a thing or two or three. First off, when it comes to being friends with benefits it is very important that you are aware of how you feel about actually doing just that. Not everyone is equipped for the emotional detachment necessary to have a mutually beneficial friendship that involves relations. Ever heard the saying that the person that cares the least has the most power in the relationship? No matter how people try to avoid titles "friends with benefits" is a relationship that requires a different type of personal energy. Like a flower it can either be tended to and sprout into something beautiful or be neglected, whither away, and die.

To avoid being attached you must fully be satisfied with the terms of the engagement. Every pair is different so no matter how anxious it makes you, you both must talk in depth about the terms. Some people neglect the communication part and someone is always hurt in the end. If you lie them in more than one way (sexually) I  would strongly suggest you abort the idea, even if they are the one that brings it up. Sex won't make a person like you, it may get them to like having sex with you, but the possibility of love at first stroke...slim. It does not mean that your goods are trash either, it's just that as people we are different. We have different needs, wants, interests desires, and sometimes two people don't want the same thing.

As far as moving on, it takes time depending on how deep your feelings were. I've had years of practice as far as dealing with heartbreak and loss, so on a scale of 0 (softee) to 10 (what feelings?) I'm a hard 8. There are times where I have to catch myself and think about the overall experience. Take a lesson out of your disappointment and use it as a tool to do better, feel better, or even pass along your experience to help someone you care for that is dealing with what you dealt with.

Always love yourself first. If you feel hurt by someone's actions and you tell them and they don't acknowledge their fault or even apologize, walk away. I know it's hard. Trust, I've been there. The longer you stay the more your heart will pay. If you want to keep your friend then don't s*** where you eat. Unattached/detached sex ruins a lot of relationships. Just think, is your friend worth losing? Some people are able to stop, take a break then be back on the besfran track, but others never get any closure.

Don't allow the situation to take a life of its own. Be sure of what you want and let them know that. If they won't comply, do you know how many other people there are on this Earth that you and even I are likely to not only be physically/chemically attracted to but also may have more in common with? You better explore and live first. As you get older it won't hurt as much. Just don't let the hurt harden you. Stay strong and remember, self love is the best love, we don't love these heauxs.

Got a problem you want to talk about our just can't make up your mind? Email me at meliahqueen@gmail.com and you could be featured on Cocoa Butta!